Friday, January 7, 2011

the cheese nightmare

my first ever guest post!  isn't it exciting.  the author, alex, is a friend of mine whose gourmet cooking would impress even the greatest chefs, critics and institutions on par with le cordon bleu.  i asked him to create a recipe for his creation that he named the cheese nightmare. enjoy!

The Cheese Nightmare


18 slices bread
18 plastic cheese squares
Extra cheese rectangles (to taste)

  1. First things first.  You are going to want to pick the right cheese which sounds easy but beware.  There are many logical pitfalls to mind whilst attempting to tame the fickle beast that is:  The Cheese Nightmare.  Many people think that Velveeta would be a tasty ingredient however, while Velveeta is excellent for making dips it is simply too runny.  You don’t want to buy generic cheese squares because they taste grossly offensive.  You also don’t want to buy the thicker cheese squares that are separated by wax paper as their heartiness often leads to an inexplicable phenomenon known as “cheese sweat”.  If you don’t believe me go ahead and whip up some ‘mares’ on a first date and see if you get a second.  While the taste is similar the thicker cheese lacks the chemical properties that gives regular plastic cheese its warm inviting glow when presented on a tasty piece of bread.  Kraft American Cheese Slices have time and again proven themselves in the microwave as the go-to cheese for every culinary situation.  I find them to have a nice, piquant after dinner flavor.  Heavy, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness.
  2. Step 2 is to choose your bread and here you can really go in any direction.  Picking a unique type of bread will undoubtedly give your cheese nightmare that little something that separates it from all the others.  Keep in mind however, that the heartier bread the more the flavor of the cheese singlet will be masked.  On the other end of the spectrum if you decide to go with thin bread like Wonder, for instance, you risk sogginess which will surely ruin any dinner party.  Indeed choosing the right bread is the most challenging quandary in which one must overcome to make the perfect cheese nightmare.
  3. Put the cheese on the bread.  Sounds simple right? Incorrect.  Some breads are oddly shaped and create yet another sticky wicket for you, the gourmet chef, to best.  I have found that when unwrapping the plastic cheese it is best to stop after the first plastic unfurling step and to tear the thin rectangle of exposed cheese away from the main body.  You are left now with a small rectangle and the larger cheese “square”.  You can now use this cheese rectangle to customize your nightmare by placing it where needed to create an equal cheese distribution across the face of the bread.
  4. Lay two pieces of paper towels in your microwave (this is to absorb moisture)
  5. Put assembled cheese nightmare on paper towel and microwave for 20-30 seconds depending on wattage of microwave
  6. Let cool for 30 seconds to 1 minute
  7. Consume.  Many words and phrases have been used to describe the feeling after eating a cheese nightmare: sublime; scrumtrulescent, self-actualization.  Whatever type of religious experience you have after eating a cheese nightmare for the first time just remember that the cheese nightmare were created to be shared.  Make them for your friends, family and loved ones so you can all enjoy the experience together. 

1 comment:

Melissa said...

I feel like I am missing a critical step. Is there a method to assembling the cheese nightmare? You call for multiple pieces of bread and cheese but do not describe how to put the nightmare together? I am picturing one giant stack alternating cheese and bread...please let me know if this assumption is correct before I attempt the cheese nightmare and screw it up. Thx